It was not without disappointment that John Irving learned that bears don’t fill their stories with multiple incidents of him.

The Zen Master said, “If phone books were replaced with yearbook quotes, would we call anyone?” Then took a mighty drink in the Texan night.

If Your College Roommate Was President: “Mr. President, there’s been a terrible plane crash!” “Ah, just leave it on the couch.”

The Husband always made sure to tell the Wife that she made the world go ‘round, ‘cause if he stopped, it would destroy the tides.

The aspiring film critic hoped his editor wouldn’t cut the line, “This film should be rated PG-Whoa, Nelly!”

The World Baseball Classic has new rules: for instance, players can not charge the mound if pitchers have been granted diplomatic immunity.

After proclaiming “You won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore,” former President Richard Nixon was swiftly beheaded and placed in the middle of a boys pick-up soccer game in a parking lot in Brazil.

The mean kids are now telling the younger kids that penny candy’s tied to treasury bonds.

Oh. That war. I thought you were talking about the other one. I could tell you about the other one. But that war. Yeah. Before the war, I used to work on some of the buildings you see peering down on you now. Wave hello, if you’d like. Hello, fellas. You see that one over there? The tall one with the clouds plowing right into it? That was my favorite. I’d get really high up on that one. My job then was to walk around the high beam that wrapped the building and inspect the outside of it — all the way around. When airplanes would pass, I’d shout at them and ask if I was cleared for lift-off, too.

The Detective got a call in the middle of the night: “All the copies of The Maltese Falcon are stolen.” “Is that my MacGuffin?” “Your what?”

Scotland. A GPS led a man to the edge of the cliff. What made it worse was the conversation: “I’m going to kill you.” “C’mon.” “No. Really.”

If y’fall over, roaring, waving tiny arms in the air, it’s impossible for anyone to say “Too soon,” because that particular target audience is extinct.

BREAKING NEWS: Cassanova resigns from autobiography due to sexual affairs.

Upset that it had ignored a piece of bread, Jerry picked up the offending squirrel in the park and threw it into a french restaurant.

Does the CIA newspaper have classified classifieds? And if so, why? Are alcoholic canaries just as effective in coal mines? Is drunk pony-expressing the sign of someone who’s determined to make a mistake? Do dentists watch A Clockwork Orange and say, “That’s for me?” Do you think if Leave it to Beaver knew it was going to represent the 50’s, it would’ve done more to represent the decade? Remember when John Ashcroft ran for Governor against a dead man and lost? What would’ve happened if we’d have given the dead man the job? Would he have passed pro-dead legislation? What does a pro-dead agenda look like? Does money literally line your coffers? When soil experts talk dirty, is it still hot? Do voters ever say to themselves, “Well, I see Democrat, I see Republican, but where’s Harikiri?” Does Australia miss Pangaea? If you can read lips, is a silent film still silent? How come they don’t test the Baseball Managers for steroids? Does a Prince kidnapped by gypsies steal chickens in a princely fashion? Have you ever proposed marriage in a restaurant in the name of one-on-one performance art? If George Burns were alive today, would he joke about door-to-door Wikipedia salesmen? What if people commandeered ice cream trucks for reasons other than selling ice cream? What if it was an open mic? What if a phalanx of kids came running to see someone tap the microphone and speculate about the difference between men and women? What happens when animals attack copies of When Animals Attack? How are you? What do you think?

Iago’s Beginning: “Nothing to fear, citizens! These cats merely hung themselves!”

“If it’s Sunday, it’s Meet the Pr — oh my god, they’re dead! THEY’RE ALL DEAD!”

Literary Discourse: “Suppose I pretend to be another Evan Fleischer posing as Roth posing as Zimmerman posing as Updike posing as Bech posing as Hemingway posing as Nick Adams.” “Suppose I punch you in the face?” “Let’s leave it at suppose.”

  12:50 pm  |   December 13 2009   |  1 note