Green Screen.
Miramax Pictures.
FADE-IN:
A crowded room, full of commotion.
PLAINVIEW
Ladies and gentlemen …
The camera pushes forward.
PLAINVIEW
Ladies and gentlemen …
The camera finds Daniel Plainview. He raises his hand. Silence.
PLAINVIEW
Ladies and gentlemen, if I say I’m a Christmas Man, you will agree.
The slow dun … dun-dun drumbeat starts.
CAPTION: From Writer / Director P.T. Anderson
CUT TO: Daniel Plainview picking up a Santa Claus costume in the dark.
CAPTION: A New Holiday Classic.
CUT TO: Plainview nailing a wreath to a tree in the dark.
DISSOLVE: Plainview in the parlor again.
PLAINVIEW
… I’ve traveled across half our state to be here tonight to see about this Christmas. I’m a family man. This here is my son and partner elf, H.W. Plainview. He’s not an actual elf. The ears are removable, see? (He demonstrates.) Elf, not an elf. Elf, not an elf. Elf —
CUT TO:
Caption: There Will Be Romance.
PLAINVIEW and MARY
Buffalo gals won’t cha come out tonight, come out tonight, come out tonight. Buffalo gals won’t cha come out tonight, and dance by the light of the moon.
MARY
You sure are a good singer.
PLAINVIEW
Don’t pity me, Mary. What is it you want? What is it you want, Mary? The moon?
MARY
That would be nice.
PLAINVIEW
Well, you can’t have it, it’s mine, you hear me?
CUT BACK TO: The Meeting.
PLAINVIEW
I’m a true Christmas man. That’s why I carry my very own North Star with me wherever I go.
Points out the window. The North Star waves back.
He doesn’t mind violating the laws of physics. I’m an old friend.
CUT TO:
OTHER PROSPECTOR
You boys are a regular family business.
PLAINVIEW
You boys are a little late.
OTHER PROSPECTOR
What’d you find?
DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE: Plainview taking notes, observing Christmas traditions, i.e., watching one person give a gift to someone else, the gift-giver trying to explain the notion of giving a gift to someone, who then hands the gift over to Plainview, inviting him to try. Plainview takes a lighter and sets the thing on fire and offers it to the gift-receiver, producing panic;
Plainview taking notes alongside a mall Santa Claus, who keeps glancing over at Plainview uncomfortably. Mall Santa asks what Plainview’s doing. Plainview throws up his hands to express innocence.
PLAINVIEW (V.O.)
Oh, I found some interesting prospects.
CUT TO:
Plainview highlighting all of How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Camera zooms in on ‘stole.’
Plainview’s also making a map of Santa’s in the region with the following names/categories written out on the map — mall Santa’s, store Santa’s, school Santa’s, and those whose names are ‘Santa.”
Also, to the side: a note that reads, “Hannukah? Kwanza? Later!!!”
Title Card: There Will Be Vengeance.
PLAINVIEW (In Santa Claus costume, in the chair, at the mall. A young child in his lap. Plainview’s brother stands behind and watches.)
Are you an angry boy?
BOY
Pony?
PLAINVIEW (Retreating into himself.)
Are you envious? Do you get envious?
BROTHER PLAINVIEW
That part of me is long gone.
PLAINVIEW (Coming out)
Well, if it’s in me, it’s in you.
BROTHER PLAINVIEW
… I don’t think we’re talking about the same Christmas, Daniel.
(Montage of Plainview offing Santa’s and checking their names off the map, which include, but are not limited to: (1) Plainview getting Rudolph drunk; later, one Santa is found in a wreckage with a sloshed team of reindeer. Plainview plants a bottle of Jack on the sprawled Santa and sneaks away. (2) A car screeching to a halt, thugs throwing a bag over a Santa and pushing him into a trunk while Plainview stands in the background, pleased. (3) a dead Santa being rolled into the water (4) Plainview busting into a room at night to take polaroids of Santa in bed with someone else, Santa shouting, ‘But I have a wife!’)
PLAINVIEW (ctd.)
I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people. I — just look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I see the worst in people.
Title Card: There Will Be Greed.
CUT TO: Plainview sitting at the Sunday ranch table.
PLAINVIEW
I’m prepared to give you —
ELI
No. We have Christmas here. That’s worth something.
PLAINVIEW
What would you like, Eli?
CUT TO: The Sundays sitting around a campfire.
FATHER SUNDAY
My son is a healer and a vessel for the holy spirit. He has a church.
Eli makes a church with his hands.
FATHER SUNDAY
And a steeple.
Eli makes a steeple with his hands.
FATHER SUNDAY
And look inside —
PLAINVIEW (Rolling his eyes, exhausted.)
What the f —
CUT TO: Oil Tower explodes candy canes.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: Daniel-Day Lewis.
CUT TO:
PLAINVIEW
There’s a whole ocean of Christmas joy under our feet! And no one can get at it except for me!
Cut To: A whole field of people nailing wreaths to trees.
Caption: There Will Be Presents
CUT TO: A Holiday-themed room. Plainview and Eli.
PLAINVIEW
See, if you have eggnog —
CUT TO:
Plainview at a bowling alley. Eli is laying dead on the ground. Plainview looks around and walks off screen.
CUT BACK TO:
PLAINVIEW (ctd.)
— and I have eggnog,
CUT TO: The bowling alley again.
Plainview is stacking Christmas boxes around Eli’s corpse.
CUT BACK TO:
PLAINVIEW (ctd.)
— and I have a straw, my straw reaches … across —
CUT TO: Straw in different locations. A beach. The woods. The subway. Another beach. Heads under water. Plainview goes through one end of a car following his straw; a Mentos guy — accompanied by the cheery theme song — goes through the other way. Comes up on the other side behind Eli.
PLAINVIEW (ctd.)
— the room and starts to drink. I — drink — your —
CUT TO:
Title Card: There Will Be Carols
CUT TO: Rockefeller Square at Night. Christmas lights. Christmas trees.
CHRISTMAS CAROLERS (singing the “Future Markets” theme)
Bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum-bum.
The caroling plays over the rest of the scenes.
CUT TO:
CAPTION
There Will Be, Uh, Well …
PLAINVIEW (Sarcastically)
Do you think your song and dance and superstition would help you, Ebeneezer?
SCROOGE
They were ghosts! And I thought they did … alright!
PLAINVIEW
Oh, the spirits can do it all in one night! Of course they can!
CUT TO:
PLAINVIEW
And you’ll sell Bailey’s Building and Loan to me?
JIMMY STEWART
Wh-why, yes!
CUT TO:
PLAINVIEW
You call it what?
CHEWBACCA
(Roars.) Subtitle: Life Day.
CUT TO:
(Plainview walking away from a manger.)
PLAINVIEW
Nothing but a bastard in a basket!
WISE MAN
Language!
WISE MAN 2 (turning)
I thought you got him mur.
A lights shines down on Daniel. He looks up.
PLAINVIEW
What do you want?
CUT TO:
Title Card: There Will Be Blood: A Christmas Special.
FADE TO:
Plainview sitting in the dark.
He’s covered by darkness.
The light reveals him again, this time in a Santa costume.
He’s covered by darkness once more.
When the light comes back again, he’s normal.
Black.
