1.
If a Wittgensteinian makes a life mistake, does he just say, “Sic?”
2.
Chiaroscuropractor:
“I have what again? What? What’s that?”
“I’m a what? A Doctor?”
“Is this an operating table or a closet for pens?”
3.
I was planning on posting, “All right! Time to live blog sleep!” last night, then waiting until 8 or 9 and saying, “Great! How did I do?”
But then I changed my mind.
4.
My cat punched me in the jaw this morning. I opened my eyes, saw she was there, eyes closed, resting by my chin, and as soon — as soon as I closed them again, wham. Extended right hook. Bug eyes.
5.
Me: What’s the name of your band?
X: “Migraine Lingerie.”
Me: (Turns to leave. Turns back. Turns to leave. Turns back.)
6.
If I ever wrote for Sesame Street, I’d have some character going on about feeding his “Bearitone Saxophone” a fish — and then cut to the rest of the jazz band cowering at the recesses of the stage. (“Ernie — this time you have a legitimate reason to put down the saxophone.”)
7.
Due to a clerical error, Carl Sagan spent most of his early years stairgazing.
8.
X: You’re a real whipperwhomper, you know that?
Me: An Australian whippersnapper?
9.
So — when I visit LA, can we have beach fights? You know — where people throw entire beaches at each other?
10.
Things I Say At Work:
Me — at a register: Do you have a [nameofstore] card?
Customer — grabbing their wallet: I do! Just give me one second. Sorry!
Me: That’s okay. I’ll just scan myself in the meanwhile. (Runs the scanner up and down the side of my head. Sometimes with a dead-pan expression. Sometimes I start giggling.)
11.
I’m still waiting for the argument that leads to the exchange — “Youtube.” “No, YOU tube.”
12.
Snow banks here in Massachusetts, which means: (1) people scrawling messages of love into the side, (2) a dog running right to the top — nearly above their owner’s head — when another dog was spotted a few feet away, and (3) someone deciding to trace a Death Star into the side, along with the phrase, “It’s a trap!”
13.
X: Why am I sitting on you? So you don’t run away?
Me: No. I don’t want to use a chair.
14.
In unrelated cat news — today the beast caught me on the hand, I pulled my hand back hard, and in doing so, I punched myself in the face.
15.
X: Should I read this book instead of do my class work?
Me: Well — I don’t know. You do have an extra hour. Thanks to Mr. Daylight/Moonlight/Skylight?-Here?-You’re-Crazy savings.
16.
Things To Say If the Train Arrives As You Arrive:
“Oh, look — I made it train.”
17.
Things I’ve Said While Working As A Tour Guide:
“Come closer, everybody. I want to be able to slap all of you in the face.”
18.
Overheard:
Kid 1: Come on! Guess my name! Guess my name! Come on! Guess it! Guess my name!
Kid 2: I don’t WANT to, Sammy!
19.
A goat bit me today. Leave it to the Marvel Rules of Superhero Creation to stick me with that animal.
20.
Baseball would become particularly cruel if there was a ‘Chew Tobacco Boy’ along with the Bat Boy.
21.
Waitress: What’ll you have?
Me: Kitty Dukakis.
Waitress: It’s not that kind of restaurant.
Me: Are you sure?
22.
Moments Ago.
The library.
Mother: What happened to your library voice?
Young kid (mystified, alarmed, at the top of his lungs): I DON’T KNOW.
23.
[After learning that someone was going to be in Hamlet.]
Me: Who’re you in Hamlet?
X.: The lead player.
Me: Trippingly on the tongue!
You should — just one night — go — after he says, “Speak the speech” — in an uber-Yiddish voice, “I’m SPEAKING. I’m SPEAKING.”
24.
Moments Ago:
Me: Moderation.
Stranger: I don’t know what that word means.
Me: That’s okay. You can learn it in moderation.
